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While our central focus in this doorway is to explore the nature
of more intimate unions, (the ones that fill that "someone special" slot in our
life), many of the same principles we present here apply to our other important
relationships as well.
In The Road Less Traveled, 1978, M.. Scott Peck, M.D. wrote
these words:
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On Love
Dr. Peck's book was an all time sales record breaker, on the New
York Times best seller list for years. Millions of us read these words. Yet it
is only now, through APH awareness, that we can finally heal the internalized
cultural and personal wounding that has prevented our relationships from realizing
the wisdom in these words.
Attractions Awaken Possibilities of Healing
Like it or not, we are attracted to people based on an unconscious
template that is below the surface of everyday awareness. Attraction to another
brings to life early, primary relationship dynamics involving needs that were
met and those that were not. Our endorphins go up when this connection reawakens
beyond our awareness and we begin an unconscious reenactment of aspects of childhood.
With self awareness one can notice this natural process after bonding occurs in
a significant relationship. It is not nature's dirty trick, but rather a revisiting
of these dynamics for conscious and unconscious healing. It can be a significant
self-curative bridge from "falling in love" to Real Love. Nurturing and supporting
this possibility asks us to be educated and relatively conscious of the possible
joys as well as the traps and pitfalls.
Models of Relating
Most of our models for relationships are from our families, which
are more often than not dysfunctional, at least by present day standards. Another
influential exposure is to Hollywood images and we internalize ideas and role
models of relationship through TV, movies, and commercials. Commercials usually
give us unrealistic scenarios where people have no worse problems than tooth decay
or bad breath. TV gives us very shallow views of life in relationship. Movies,
on the other hand, usually present an overly dramatic, violent or sordid view
of relationships.
The goal of a healthy relationship is not to sell tickets! However,
Hollywood sends a strong subliminal message, and many believe they want to or
should be in such a relationship. For a specific look at some of the extremes
we've learned and the potential for balance, see link on The ABC's
of Relating by Evan Pritchard.
Relationship models also come from a church, school, or religious
group, but often from untrained or biased teachers who may have had a particular
agenda. Thus, in our reaching for our heart's desire we are repeatedly left unfulfilled.
Either the fantasy never materializes or we find ourselves in a family or TV repeat
and wish we could get out. What We Never Learned
Many of us have never learned or experienced healthy relational
dynamics for the long haul. Though most relationships are fulfilling once in a
while, few are dependably so. It is true that: "The course of true love does not
run smooth."
That is why it is so important to attend relationship workshops,
or invest in therapy, and educate ourselves so that good relationship dynamics
can be demonstrated and discussed. Opening to new learning allows a couple, or
an individual looking for a better relationship, to try out new strategies and
ways of communicating in a safe, nurturing environment. And by being more open
and communicative, it is possible to build a smoother, more enduring road to deep
happiness and abiding love.
Our Discoveries
At about the six month point in my relationship of nine years
we hit some communication barriers that were based on historic sensitivities.
Fortunately we were resourceful enough to seek out facilitation (often called
couples therapy, which wise people are now doing early in relationships before
destructive dynamics take hold). It made all the difference. We found each other
in deeper and more significant ways. Some years later we participated in a couples
sacred sex workshop produced by Body Electric. This experience transformed and
deepened our union once again. We learned about, internalized, and began to experience
"The Power of Two" (which was the name of the workshop). Our new ability
of consciously fusing our energies (and drawing on the erotic) has empowered us
further in loving ourselves, each other, our relations, and our commitments to
meaningful lives, both together and independently.
"The Power of Two"
In any relationship of two people there actually exists three
entities. The first being "me", the second being "you", and the third being "me-you."
The awareness of the last entity "me-you" is one of the important invisible realities
in APH. This third entity requires our conscious attention. It can and should
be a source of growth, healing and transformation. It is where we untangle and
heal subtle dynamics that mysteriously creep into a relationship once bonding
begins to occur.
The practice of "Respect for Self and Other" (self first!) is
a powerful way of nurturing the third entity. When this dimension of the relationship
is valued and taken care of it is then able to fulfill and take care of the "me"
and "you" of the triune. The third entity, though invisible, dictates the health
and radiance of a relationship. (This is also a powerful reality in the sexual
aspects of the relationship and I refer you to our doorway on Sacred
Sexuality for guidance on the care and feeding of the third entity.) Also
a practice of balance is one of the quick ways to "fertilize" the "me-you" so
it can minister back to "you" and "me" in palpable and richly rewarding ways.
In Balance and In Love
How do you keep your balance when you're in a relationship (which
is the powerful and invisible third entity)? It's a difficult but rewarding challenge.
Focused effort to keep all the emotional energies in balance can lead to not only
a fulfilling relationship, but a relationship that brings consistent joy for the
long haul. It can be a solid platform from which both individuals ground and enrich
themselves.
Sound impossible? It isn't. Couples using APH can choose to attend
relationship seminars, read books and check websites that may help them focus
on more effective strategies for achieving long-lasting and consistent fulfillment.
The key is keeping your balance, both as individuals, and as a union.
Wisdom and Guidance for Loving
Love and relationships are at the forefront of our minds and hearts
in this Twenty-first Century. Thankfully more available than ever are trainings
in relationship skills and healthy guidance which offers holistic wisdom for all
aspects of loving relationships. Through books like Conscious Loving by
Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks we learn the skills to: Let go of power struggles and
the need for control, balance needs for closeness and separateness, increase intimacy
by telling the "microscopic truth," communicate in a positive way that stops arguments,
make agreements we can keep, and allow more pleasure into our lives.
Through Stephen and Ondrea Levine's workshops and book Embracing
the Beloved: Relationship As a Path of Awakening we are shown the power of
listening, opening to our own and each others vulnerabilities, and seeing through
veils of relating to the divine essence within.
What we've learned in APH about intimate relating is so basic
and important that we foresee a day when it may be included in elementary school
education. It only makes sense to do so for so much suffering and confusion can
be lifted for generations to come.
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