Sex and
Soul
To define sacred sexuality, it is important to rediscover what
sex means to us. Paramount for growth in this area is to break out of preconceived
thinking. To help us step out of the cultural box I use the word sex as an acronym,
S.E.X. stands for Soul Energy eXchange, or as my partner sometimes
likes to refer to it: Soul Energy eXtravaganza! Couple that with
SOUL, a Systemic Organization of Universal Love, as defined in the
book, The Living Energy Universe, by Gary Schwartz and Linda Russek. And
you have Soulful Sex.
This new perspective is not strictly about performance or procreation,
or even about orgasm, though that can be a wonderful benefit. S.E.X. is about
sharing and exchanging energies that originate more from our souls than just our
heads or our genitals. It is about uniting our longing for wholeness and connection,
yearnings that are naturally sacred and spiritual. It is about pleasuring and
being pleasured in whatever consensual form that takes.
As author, Brandy Williams, writes:
"Sex is the most engrossing human act. Intimate touch involves
all the senses. At the moment of pleasure, of shivering contact with a partner
or a stolen moment of self-love, all our normal duties, tasks, fears, failures,
all things we do drop away. This is life at its simplest, a time simply to be
- to watch, listen, smell. taste, touch and feel, to focus on being a physical
creature and experience the body's capacity for pleasure.
When our bodies feel healthy and our hearts clear, when we can give and accept
pleasure freely and with sincerity, when we bring to intimate touch an awareness
of the Divine, sex becomes sacred. We blossom into a fully human consciousness,
caught up in the passionate embrace of life...We become...supple, flexible, centered,
alive in the moment. "
Sacred Sexuality
Sacred Sexuality is the desire to discover and explore both our
conditioning and our limitations in exchanging four personal and distinct energies
with another, or exploring them alone. We open our "new eyes and ears" and listen
to our bodies through the felt senses. Becoming familiar with the body's felt
senses adds great fluidity to the process. (See the Authentic Process Healing
section on this website). And by expanding our sharing skills, however gradual,
the experience of sacredness seeps into the bones and marrow of the lover. What
more beautiful way could human beings embody the sacred than by challenging themselves
to bring the four primary soulful energies together (see below). When we do this,
when we consciously give and receive these four energies, we experience ecstasy,
transcendence and a new sphere of personal growth, empowerment, and understanding.
The Four Primary Energies
There are four primary soulful energies in Soul Energy Exchange
(S.E.X.). These are: love and pleasure, lingum and yoni.
The third and fourth energies are Hindu Sanskrit terms used by Tantra workshop
leaders Charles and Caroline Muir and understanding them assists us in breaking
out of traditional, cultural thinking patterns. The third expression, lingum energy,
represents the masculine drive, penis, aggression and personal power, the giving
of complex energies, and glory. While lingum energy is often male identified,
in reality this energy is found in all human beings. And our fourth soulful expression
is yoni energy, which represents the feminine, the vagina or any part of the body
that exudes surrender and desire to receive energy. Yes, men too have yoni energy.
We are all more or less conditioned and limited in our expression
of yoni or lingum energies, not to mention love and pleasure. In truth we have
all suffered traumas to our lingum and yoni energies, as well as love and pleasure.
Unlocking traumatic and toxic shame, and thawing frozen energies are our path
to the sacred. Experimenting, without judgment, along the felt sense boundaries
of these energies is a direct route to god energy, the earth, our ancient memories,
and the universe. All four of these soulful energies are the creator's way of
expressing itself through us.
As the river gives into the ocean,
what is inside me moves inside you...
-Robert Bly
The Kabir Book
Sexual Concerns
I have met with many people who have shared very personal sexual concerns with me. They ranged from feelings of deadness in their pelvis, to erectile challenges, orgasmic difficulties, being restricted in experiencing sexual desire or feeling limited with a partner they love. Sometimes it's a body parts, or image, thing--too big, too small, too tight, too wide. There are many similar burdens that people carry in a very heavy way. My experience has taught me that the principles explored on this site can be enormously helpful. In most of my experiences with Authentic Process Healing these types of hardships have been resolved.
Integrating Spirituality & Sexuality
After facilitating countless workshops and sessions with individuals
and couples, one thing is certain. The healing of the schism between our sexual
and spiritual energies is not only a provocative topic, but one of the most intimidating
tasks before us. Yet it is also one of the most important. What I call the "split"
arises out of early religious and cultural training, which teaches that love and
families are good while sex is dirty, bad, and perverse. I have yet to meet one
person who does not highlight this as a foremost challenge in life.
A deeply ingrained and culturally-induced rift between sexuality
and spirituality haunts us. Yet, these two human forces are two sides of the same
coin. At its most fundamental, when two people come together with open hearts,
sex is a sacred act, joining them in body and spirit. This kind of union can be
healing, the very embodiment of "transcendent beauty", to be regarded with reverence
and respect.
All too often, this is clearly not the case. Opening the heart
and keeping it open can be challenging particularly for those whose sexuality
is connected to psychic and spiritual wounds of early experiences. As a result,
it is difficult to resolve our connection to a "higher" power with our human need
to express, satisfy and celebrate our sexuality.
Healing the "Sexual-Spiritual Split"
The split between spirituality and sexuality is a deep psychic schism within almost everyone in our culture which prohibits enduring, loving relationships to form, which at the same time can remain sexually alive and growing. The rift is caused by generational, cultural, religious, and early programming that plants seeds deep in the unconscious which makes merging the two virtually impossible without specific healing.
The British author Aldous Huxley wrote, "The aim and purpose
of life is the unitive knowledge of God." This speaks directly to the spiritual
dilemma of our time; how to unite the polarities of our dissociative culture.
Ever since Descartes said, "I think therefore I am," we have been separating the
body, mind, and spirit. I'm convinced that the key to the disconnecting dilemma
we face is to re-unite the body, mind, and spirit. And a primary obstacle most
people face is uniting the spiritual with the sexual. I call this "healing the
sexual-spiritual split." We need to reintegrate God and the cosmos with our sexuality.
Relationships Without Sacred Sexuality
When sex is not fulfilling in a monogamous relationship, the cornerstone
of the union is weak and vulnerable. Most of us, consciously or unconsciously,
commit to such relationships, at least in part, anticipating sexual satisfaction.
If fulfillment dwindles or becomes barely existent, a foundation of the relationship
is betrayed. One will often feel imprisoned and act out in emotional or sexual
ways. There is, or will soon be, trouble in paradise. And often, because couples
lack the skill required for sensitive dialogue, they go into denial, often for
years. This is not necessary. New skills are available now.
I am happy to report that I have been living in a sexually fulfilling,
loving relationship for many years now. All the work has been worth it! Opening
up the heart, letting go of taboos, sharing shame-free sex, and being responsible
and self-respecting, are keys to both the kingdoms of higher consciousness and
pleasure. It is no wonder that when some are in the throes of orgasm they say,
"Oh God, Yes!" In that moment of letting go and dropping defenses, a greater reality
bursts forth. Loving sex heightens consciousness, and for me, God is consciousness,
and pure consciousness is love.
Imagine yourself and your partner, with open hearts, choosing
to pleasure each other. Imagine breathing and letting go into the bliss, whatever
it may be, and knowing that you are going to God or the highest energy powers.
Your partner is joining and supporting you in this awareness and experience. Then
you switch; pleasure your partner in whatever ways are desired and appropriate
for the two of you. If you really give yourself such a delightful experience,
you will experience ecstatic sex, erotic energy, and you will have a rich spiritual
experience that is enlightening as well. Every time more veils are dropped between
partners, more consciousness opens to them. It will reveal itself in the daily
living of life and in creative expression. This is what sex and pleasuring looks
like when you are healing the sexual-spiritual split.
Sexuality & Higher Consciousness
Combining love with sexual expression can be an act of higher
consciousness. In workshops, I help foster a genuine belief that when two human
beings combine love's energy with erotic energies, a transcendent experience occurs,
one that is often profoundly healing. This is a very sacred sharing and the true
goal of a fulfilling sexual experience. Reaching this goal is the result of a
give and take, a negotiation of the openhearted experience of interconnectedness.
Though this process can be awkward, it is essential to learn
to communicate about our needs, desires, and fantasies. "Reclaiming Adolescent
Awkwardness" is a phrase I use to give people permission to go to the awkward
"places" necessary to heal the sexual-spiritual split and to form authentically
intimate relationships.
Yet even so, we will often encounter resistance to fusing our
loving, sexual and spiritual energies. Contrary to what many naively believe,
we need to learn that healthy loving includes the expression of our more shadowy
desires as well as our tenderness. The delicate opening up of our repressed sexual
histories, variations, and fantasies is extraordinarily enriching and healing.
Appreciating the nature of resistance and de-shaming our fantasies are entryways
to a "circle of energy" allowing the experience of full body orgasm and full-hearted
spirituality.
Under our needs, desires, and fantasies are powerful and subtle
feelings and energies that want to be expressed. These expressions help us grow
holistically; they teach us about aggression and passivity, about our feminine
and masculine energies, and about pleasuring and being pleasured. They help us
dissolve shame toward our inner contradictions and complexities and experience
them fully for healing, growth, and self-understanding.
True and spiritual lovemaking is the interweaving choreography
of our higher and shadow selves. It is a holistic fusing together of aspects of
the so-called higher and lower self - how beautiful and so very intimate to do
so with open hearts.
Evaluating Our Progress
I believe that there will always be one more way we can heal this
schism, drop more veils, or enhance our capacity for pleasure and spirit. Not
to worry. If all the veils were gone, where would our humanness be? How interesting
to ponder such ideas as we heal ourselves day by day, and with each healing, enhance
our ability to give and receive pleasure. It is a process of both struggle and
delight with spontaneous expressions of perfection and bliss. Progress rather
than perfection is the goal, and if we are earnest our bodies will lead our progress
toward our personal perfection.
In evaluating our progress in healing our sexual-spiritual split,
we need to ask ourselves: What motives do I bring to sexuality? What do I want
from the sexual aspect of my nature? We know our healing is progressing when our
answers emphasize spiritual fulfillment, integrating power and surrender, femininity
and masculinity, and the desire for shared experiences of pleasure and higher
consciousness .
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